The Anonymous Hoarder: Asking for help

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Hope for the Hopeless?

It is rather early and I did not sleep last night again. I putzed around in the kitchen for a few hours, still not finishing everything on the list from a few days ago.

On a side note: I find it oddly fascinating that in America, we use the phrase "putzing around" in the United States to mean behaving idly, wasting time, and not getting much done. However, the verb "putzen" (infinitive form) in German means to clean. My friend that helped me for a few hours the other day is from Germany.

What I did accomplish, however:

Dropped two suits to the dry cleaners
Straightened up the pantry and a big storage cupboard
Reorganized my three cabinets, moving things around to make more sense
Re-seasoned my cast iron skillet
Boxed up a set of glassware and a few other kitchen items to donate (or sell at a yard sale)
Made a half gallon of iced tea
Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher (on the list)
Loaded up more dishes and washed them, and will put away first thing after I get a few hours sleep
Set the timer on my coffee maker to have my coffee ready at 7:30

So, I did make some progress in the kitchen, though it still isn't where I want it to be. I may take a picture of it when I get up, though I don't have a before picture.

I also talked to my daughter last night. I've told her about the blog, as I wanted to ask her what she remembered about growing up with me. I wanted to know if she could shed some light on when things started to get out of hand. She claimed that what she saw is that it was more the paper organization that seemed to be the issue for me.

I think that the conversation that I had with my friend a day or two before was spot-on. I think the triggering factor for my hoarding to the point it is today was when my daughter left home under much less than ideal circumstances, and the subsequent years of silence and little to no relationship for many years. I went through a major depression, left my marriage, and started seeing a counselor.

As I was dealing with some issues and getting my life on track, I also started the protective behavior of not allowing people to come over by making sure that I would be too embarrassed to let them in. I avoided answering phone calls, the door bell, and would always make sure if I got together socially, it was out doing something away from my living space.

I want to get back to having people over. It's going to take me some time before I will be comfortable letting people in again, literally and figuratively, but I will allow my girlfriend to come over and help me, when she can and will stop avoiding her.

Maybe just admitting these things this past week is a start. Maybe there really is some hope for me.

Photo credits: Pixabay

Thursday, May 28, 2015

I Came Out to My Friend

My secret is now out with one person

I disclosed my secret of hoarding behavior to a friend yesterday. Over the years, she knew there was a problem, and has helped me before...before it got quite as bad as it has now. This time I admitted the name for it.

I even shared the address for this blog, should she care to read it. It will be the first time she will read/hear some of the stories I will share on this journey.

We talked of the "whys." It is a way that I can keep people "out." She reminded me that I have let her "in" to the space, when it was messy. She told me that she loved me.

We agreed that she would come over to help me for a few hours today. Perhaps, if I can just get the bathrooms and the kitchen clean today, it will help me see some sort of progress.

Yesterday's accomplishments

Yesterday, I did get all seven things on the list done. I did it before I left to run errands and see my friend.

I need to see these things as small victories. Instead, I have a tendency to minimize what I am getting done. I also need to take some before and after pictures to celebrate the small victories, but it feels so foolish. It should not be so difficult to get this done, but it is for me.

I did not sleep last night at all, as I have fretted most of the night. I did get a couple of things done, but those sleepless nights render me rather unproductive.

In spite of it all, I did accomplish a few other small things yesterday and into the wee hours:

Gave my friend five tops/sweaters and one purse to keep or give away
Took out one large bag of trash and one bag of recyclables to the bins
Put the two bins on the curb
Washed out both the kitchen trash and recycle containers
Removed the burner grates and pans, and sprayed my stove with cleaner to soak all the hardened food, which I need to clean today
Loaded up dishwasher with a first batch of dishes and started the wash cycle
Scoured my left sink
Washed a load of towels
Cleaned the carousel trays and reorganized the small cabinet above the stove
Washed the roaster pan

There is so much more to do, that all these things do not look like they have made any dent, at all. But I still have a few days off before I must return to work.

Today's plan...

The things I will put on my list today (in baby steps) to accomplish:

Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
Retrieve the bins from the curb.
Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.
Clean and disinfect my microwave.
Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

When my friend gets here, I am sure we will add more things to the list. I will try to remember to take pictures before it looks better, so I have comparisons.

Panicking a little

Of course, I am beginning to get quite anxious already, and it's not even 7 o'clock. I'm sure that it doesn't help any that I have had virtually no sleep in the last 22 hours.

I have to remember to be kind to myself, and accept my friend's help and acceptance of me and this situation as it is right now. Living in the moment is not easy for me all the time. I have to let go of the "what ifs."

Photo credit: Pixabay, free for use.