Starting to Show Progress in Kitchen

BEFORE--Left of Stove

AFTER--Left of Stove

BEFORE--right of stove

AFTER--right of stove

STOVE--Still need to work on two of the grates

I wanted to show a bit of progress, even though it is slow-going.  As I look at the "before" pictures, I am aghast as to how bad it is. I also have some pictures to share of my cabinets, though I do not have any from before I straightened them.  I'll have to share those at another time.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Moving Forward Little by Little

I needed to check-in to show that I have finished all the tasks on the original list.

1. Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
2. Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
3. Retrieve the bins from the curb.
4. Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.  (Still have a few things to clear.)
5. Clean and disinfect my microwave.
6. Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
7. Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
8. Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

In addition to this, I have washed and dried two other loads of laundry.  I don't dare to show how much more I have. 

I also rearranged the freezer. Yes, I also have more food in the freezer to cook for a family of four for a month. I can put nothing else in there.  I need to make an inventory and start cooking here at home and taking my lunch.  I eat out far too often and end up throwing away too much food. 

Tonight, I hope to finish clearing the refrigerator, and throwing out anything that is bad. I have already dumped out two unopened half gallons of milk, a quart of coconut water, a half gallon of orange juice, a cantaloupe, and a large clamshell container of mixed salad greens. That I can waste so much, and this only scratches the surface, makes me feel very guilty and ashamed.

The upside to this all is that I am beginning to make some headway on one room, as well as the pile of laundry.  

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Hope for the Hopeless?

It is rather early and I did not sleep last night again. I putzed around in the kitchen for a few hours, still not finishing everything on the list from a few days ago.  

On a side note:  I find it oddly fascinating that in America, we use the phrase "putzing around" in the United States to mean behaving idly, wasting time, and not getting much done.  However, the verb "putzen" (infinitive form) in German means to clean. My friend that helped me for a few hours the other day is from Germany.  

What I did accomplish, however:

• Dropped two suits to the dry cleaners
• Straightened up the pantry and a big storage cupboard
• Reorganized my three cabinets, moving things around to make more sense
• Re-seasoned my cast iron skillet
• Boxed up a set of glassware and a few other kitchen items to donate (or sell at a yard sale)
• Made a half gallon of iced tea
• Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher (on the list) 
• Loaded up more dishes and washed them, and will put away first thing after I get a few hours sleep
• Set the timer on my coffee maker to have my coffee ready at 7:30

So, I did make some progress in the kitchen, though it still isn't where I want it to be.  I may take a picture of it when I get up, though I don't have a before picture.

I also talked to my daughter last night. I've told her about the blog, as I wanted to ask her what she remembered about growing up with me.  I wanted to know if she could shed some light on when things started to get out of hand.  She claimed that what she saw is that it was more the paper organization that seemed to be the issue for me.

I think that the conversation that I had with my friend a day or two before was spot-on. I think the triggering factor for my hoarding to the point it is today was when my daughter left home under much less than ideal circumstances, and the subsequent years of silence and little to no relationship for many years. I went through a major depression, left my marriage, and started seeing a counselor. 

As I was dealing with some issues and getting my life on track, I also started the protective behavior of not allowing people to come over by making sure that I would be too embarrassed to let them in.  I avoided answering phone calls, the door bell, and would always make sure if I got together socially, it was out doing something away from my living space.

I want to get back to having people over. It's going to take me some time before I will be comfortable letting people in again, literally and figuratively, but I will allow my girlfriend to come over and help me, when she can and will stop avoiding her. 

Maybe just admitting these things this past week is a start. Maybe there really is some hope for me.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Photo credits:  Pixabay 

        

Learning to Accept Progress Over Perfection

By the time I went to bed last night, I was so exhausted. I had been up for 41 hours. Thankfully, I slept for eight hours.

If I were to use lists to check off as my sole measurement of success, I would be hard-pressed to see much success yesterday.  Of the eight list items, half were checked off as complete:                  

1. Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
2. Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
3. Retrieve the bins from the curb.
4. Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.  (Still have a few things to clear.)
5. Clean and disinfect my microwave.
6. Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
7. Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
8. Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

There were other things that were begun yesterday.  Ah! That is the problem for me!  

BEGUN...

I subject myself to extreme scrutiny when I see a process that I have started.  I even noticed it with my friend, when she says, "Look at how much we got done!" She sees progress. I still see a mess.

In addition to my list, there were more things that we did, but (to me) it feels like it was partly done, so that it doesn't really count.  So, where does this sense of not being able to claim the small accomplishments?

There were moments that I was fully aware of what I was feeling. It was clear to me that this all-or-nothing view came from my upbringing. I also remembered a couple of other situations that happened that might offer a clue into this hoarding situation.  I will dedicate a whole blog post to that one soon.

Communication and awareness

I also recognized and tried to be clear in my communication, when I was getting the most frustrated and annoyed with my friend.  I am thankful that we had discussed upfront what some of that might look like, and I had asked her to be aware and not react to when she recognized my being overwhelmed in those moments. 

I am grateful that the dynamics were such that we could do that honestly.  There was a time when either of the two of us might have stormed away and not spoken for months in those situations. We both simply stayed present and saw it for what it was in the moment.  Now, THAT is progress!!

So, as I try to recall other things that were accomplished, I will also try to own them.  Here are some other things that my friend and I accomplished yesterday:

• Scrubbed the stove, including the drip pans and the burner grates. It was a task that took up a good portion of the three hours we worked.
• Washed and put away the crockpot that I rarely use. I put it in the corner cabinet with the carousel for easy access.
• Potted two plants and watered all that were dehydrated. Some will need to be thrown in the trash, 
• Swept and mopped the kitchen floor. It will require a deep scrub on my hands-and-knees, as it has not been cleaned but once in the last year and a half.  
• Purchased an organizing rack for my hair care things (dryer, curling iron, hairspray, etc._, which hangs on the inside of the cabinet.

Today's plan

As I have two appointments that will take me away this morning, I am not going to make a list. When I go downstairs in a few minutes, I will do my best to make note of how things look better, rather than what is left to be done. (That feels that it will be the most difficult.)

When I return this afternoon, I am committed to finishing the counters and the floor in the kitchen, and to complete the list I made yesterday.

Today I choose to see progress, however slight it may seem. 

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

I Came Out to My Friend

My secret is now out with one person

I disclosed my secret of hoarding behavior to a friend yesterday.  Over the years, she knew there was a problem, and has helped me before...before it got quite as bad as it has now.  This time I admitted the name for it.

I even shared the address for this blog, should she care to read it. It will be the first time she will read/hear some of the stories I will share on this journey.

We talked of the "whys." It is a way that I can keep people "out." She reminded me that I have let her "in" to the space, when it was messy. She told me that she loved me.

We agreed that she would come over to help me for a few hours today.  Perhaps, if I can just get the bathrooms and the kitchen clean today, it will help me see some sort of progress.

Yesterday's accomplishments

Yesterday, I did get all seven things on the list done.  I did it before I left to run errands and see my friend.

I need to see these things as small victories.  Instead, I have a tendency to minimize what I am getting done.  I also need to take some before and after pictures to celebrate the small victories, but it feels so foolish.  It should not be so difficult to get this done, but it is for me.

I did not sleep last night at all, as I have fretted most of the night.  I did get a couple of things done, but those sleepless nights render me rather unproductive.

In spite of it all, I did accomplish a few other small things yesterday and into the wee hours:

• Gave my friend five tops/sweaters and one purse to keep or give away
• Took out one large bag of trash and one bag of recyclables to the bins
• Put the two bins on the curb
• Washed out both the kitchen trash and recycle containers
• Removed the burner grates and pans, and sprayed my stove with cleaner to soak all the hardened food, which I need to clean today
• Loaded up dishwasher with a first batch of dishes and started the wash cycle
• Scoured my left sink
• Washed a load of towels
• Cleaned the carousel trays and reorganized the small cabinet above the stove
• Washed the roaster pan 

There is so much more to do, that all these things do not look like they have made any dent, at all. But I still have a few days off before I must return to work.

Today's plan...

The things I will put on my list today (in baby steps) to accomplish:

1. Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
2. Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
3. Retrieve the bins from the curb.
4. Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.
5. Clean and disinfect my microwave.
6. Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
7. Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
8. Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

When my friend gets here, I am sure we will add more things to the list.  I will try to remember to take pictures before it looks better, so I have comparisons.

Panicking a little

Of course, I am beginning to get quite anxious already, and it's not even 7 o'clock.  I'm sure that it doesn't help any that I have had virtually no sleep in the last 22 hours.

I have to remember to be kind to myself, and accept my friend's help and acceptance of me and this situation as it is right now.  Living in the moment is not easy for me all the time.  I have to let go of the "what ifs."

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Photo credit:  Pixabay, free for use.