Little Things Don't Seem to Matter

It's been several days since I've posted.

Mentally and physically, I've been exhausted. I shut down when that happens, but it doesn't mean that I accomplish anything. I haven't done anything else in the kitchen since my last post, except make a bit of a mess.

I wonder why or how it is that I can leave things without seeing them through to an end? If I trim the fat off of a steak, why are the trimmings still on the cutting mat the next morning?  Why is it so hard for me to pick the mat up and scrape them into the trash?

I am NOT a lazy person. I work hard and get some amazing things done. But there is certainly a disconnect somewhere. I wish I understood it.

On a good note, I emptied all the trash and got the bin out to the curb this week. That's an accomplishment, right?  I wish I could feel like all the little victories do add up and matter.

I even wonder why I care to write this blog. Does it even make a difference? Are there others who are struggling? Or am I simply a disgusting pig that is so damaged that nothing can help?

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Starting to Show Progress in Kitchen

BEFORE--Left of Stove

AFTER--Left of Stove

BEFORE--right of stove

AFTER--right of stove

STOVE--Still need to work on two of the grates

I wanted to show a bit of progress, even though it is slow-going.  As I look at the "before" pictures, I am aghast as to how bad it is. I also have some pictures to share of my cabinets, though I do not have any from before I straightened them.  I'll have to share those at another time.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Free Giveaways to My Readers?

As I go through things, I am beginning to start a box full of things that I am going to release.  I have already taken several boxes of clothing to others to sort through and then find others who might use them, so that I do not have to deal with the dilemma of second-guessing myself and bringing them home.

I also have a box started for things for me to sell. I think I will try to do this via Craigslist or eBay. Many of the things that I have are brand new.  Collectibles, books, craft supplies, gifts, and much more.

I had a thought that I might have drawings each week or day for one item in the box, giving entries to those who leave messages on my blog.  I have a few ideas running through my head, but need to knock some of the details out first to figure out what that may look like.  My biggest concern is how I would afford to ship the items to the winners.  I simply cannot afford to go broke in postage and shipping, 

I would love some feedback to figure out how this might be feasible, and to see if this is something that might be of interest.

I would appreciate any ideas or thoughts on this.  Thank you.


Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Moving Forward Little by Little

I needed to check-in to show that I have finished all the tasks on the original list.

1. Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
2. Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
3. Retrieve the bins from the curb.
4. Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.  (Still have a few things to clear.)
5. Clean and disinfect my microwave.
6. Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
7. Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
8. Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

In addition to this, I have washed and dried two other loads of laundry.  I don't dare to show how much more I have. 

I also rearranged the freezer. Yes, I also have more food in the freezer to cook for a family of four for a month. I can put nothing else in there.  I need to make an inventory and start cooking here at home and taking my lunch.  I eat out far too often and end up throwing away too much food. 

Tonight, I hope to finish clearing the refrigerator, and throwing out anything that is bad. I have already dumped out two unopened half gallons of milk, a quart of coconut water, a half gallon of orange juice, a cantaloupe, and a large clamshell container of mixed salad greens. That I can waste so much, and this only scratches the surface, makes me feel very guilty and ashamed.

The upside to this all is that I am beginning to make some headway on one room, as well as the pile of laundry.  

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Hope for the Hopeless?

It is rather early and I did not sleep last night again. I putzed around in the kitchen for a few hours, still not finishing everything on the list from a few days ago.  

On a side note:  I find it oddly fascinating that in America, we use the phrase "putzing around" in the United States to mean behaving idly, wasting time, and not getting much done.  However, the verb "putzen" (infinitive form) in German means to clean. My friend that helped me for a few hours the other day is from Germany.  

What I did accomplish, however:

• Dropped two suits to the dry cleaners
• Straightened up the pantry and a big storage cupboard
• Reorganized my three cabinets, moving things around to make more sense
• Re-seasoned my cast iron skillet
• Boxed up a set of glassware and a few other kitchen items to donate (or sell at a yard sale)
• Made a half gallon of iced tea
• Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher (on the list) 
• Loaded up more dishes and washed them, and will put away first thing after I get a few hours sleep
• Set the timer on my coffee maker to have my coffee ready at 7:30

So, I did make some progress in the kitchen, though it still isn't where I want it to be.  I may take a picture of it when I get up, though I don't have a before picture.

I also talked to my daughter last night. I've told her about the blog, as I wanted to ask her what she remembered about growing up with me.  I wanted to know if she could shed some light on when things started to get out of hand.  She claimed that what she saw is that it was more the paper organization that seemed to be the issue for me.

I think that the conversation that I had with my friend a day or two before was spot-on. I think the triggering factor for my hoarding to the point it is today was when my daughter left home under much less than ideal circumstances, and the subsequent years of silence and little to no relationship for many years. I went through a major depression, left my marriage, and started seeing a counselor. 

As I was dealing with some issues and getting my life on track, I also started the protective behavior of not allowing people to come over by making sure that I would be too embarrassed to let them in.  I avoided answering phone calls, the door bell, and would always make sure if I got together socially, it was out doing something away from my living space.

I want to get back to having people over. It's going to take me some time before I will be comfortable letting people in again, literally and figuratively, but I will allow my girlfriend to come over and help me, when she can and will stop avoiding her. 

Maybe just admitting these things this past week is a start. Maybe there really is some hope for me.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Photo credits:  Pixabay 

        

Beating Myself Up

I don't need my father to beat me.
I do a good job of it on my own.

I didn't get anything on my list done yesterday.  In fact, when I left home, I did not get back until the wee hours.

It was one of those "avoidance days."  

You know the kind. Ignore it and goes away.

What lies we take on to fool ourselves into thinking we will feel better about ourselves if we come back later!

Instead, I ended up at thrift stores and came home with things that I felt would be cool to have. And then I ended up at the casino.

My life is out-of-control. 

There are so many things that I need to look at and share with others, but I have to compartmentalize.  I can't even share it all here, because I would run the risk of people knowing exactly who I am. I can't let that happen.

This is one reason that I prefer going to work. Work also gets me out, and gives me a way to avoid the rest of it.  I prolong going "home." (I struggle with writing that word because it does not feel much like home.)

When I work, I feel that I have purpose. I am around people. They see the good that I do and how I help others. They see the "put together" me.

If they only knew....

...the "real" me isn't so good after all. 

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Note: As I was looking for a picture to put with the title, which I wrote before starting this.  The picture (from Pixabay, search perimeters "beating") grabbed my attention and I decided to use it. The caption I used took me completely by surprise and was an eye-opener.

Learning to Accept Progress Over Perfection

By the time I went to bed last night, I was so exhausted. I had been up for 41 hours. Thankfully, I slept for eight hours.

If I were to use lists to check off as my sole measurement of success, I would be hard-pressed to see much success yesterday.  Of the eight list items, half were checked off as complete:                  

1. Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
2. Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
3. Retrieve the bins from the curb.
4. Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.  (Still have a few things to clear.)
5. Clean and disinfect my microwave.
6. Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
7. Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
8. Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

There were other things that were begun yesterday.  Ah! That is the problem for me!  

BEGUN...

I subject myself to extreme scrutiny when I see a process that I have started.  I even noticed it with my friend, when she says, "Look at how much we got done!" She sees progress. I still see a mess.

In addition to my list, there were more things that we did, but (to me) it feels like it was partly done, so that it doesn't really count.  So, where does this sense of not being able to claim the small accomplishments?

There were moments that I was fully aware of what I was feeling. It was clear to me that this all-or-nothing view came from my upbringing. I also remembered a couple of other situations that happened that might offer a clue into this hoarding situation.  I will dedicate a whole blog post to that one soon.

Communication and awareness

I also recognized and tried to be clear in my communication, when I was getting the most frustrated and annoyed with my friend.  I am thankful that we had discussed upfront what some of that might look like, and I had asked her to be aware and not react to when she recognized my being overwhelmed in those moments. 

I am grateful that the dynamics were such that we could do that honestly.  There was a time when either of the two of us might have stormed away and not spoken for months in those situations. We both simply stayed present and saw it for what it was in the moment.  Now, THAT is progress!!

So, as I try to recall other things that were accomplished, I will also try to own them.  Here are some other things that my friend and I accomplished yesterday:

• Scrubbed the stove, including the drip pans and the burner grates. It was a task that took up a good portion of the three hours we worked.
• Washed and put away the crockpot that I rarely use. I put it in the corner cabinet with the carousel for easy access.
• Potted two plants and watered all that were dehydrated. Some will need to be thrown in the trash, 
• Swept and mopped the kitchen floor. It will require a deep scrub on my hands-and-knees, as it has not been cleaned but once in the last year and a half.  
• Purchased an organizing rack for my hair care things (dryer, curling iron, hairspray, etc._, which hangs on the inside of the cabinet.

Today's plan

As I have two appointments that will take me away this morning, I am not going to make a list. When I go downstairs in a few minutes, I will do my best to make note of how things look better, rather than what is left to be done. (That feels that it will be the most difficult.)

When I return this afternoon, I am committed to finishing the counters and the floor in the kitchen, and to complete the list I made yesterday.

Today I choose to see progress, however slight it may seem. 

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder