I have felt overwhelmed these last three days with the idea of disclosure and coming back to write (and reread) more. It affects all aspects of my life, and I notice that the more anxiety I feel, the more I am also drawn to other compulsive behaviors--over-eating, gambling, and more--as well as the hoarding behaviors.
Each is merely evidence of what is going on within me. Each is a way to numb out the feelings.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. But on the other hand, I have to feel in order to change. Therein lies the biggest dilemma, perhaps for us all.
A plan, though small...
I have shared one photograph of a small piece of my home. I am unable, at this point, to share any more of the photos that I took, and they aren't even the worst of it.
My plan for today is to take care of that small 4'x4' section that I shared. I need to remember not to just move it around, but to do something with it.
I suppose the first thing I can do is break down the cardboard box. My tendency is to want to save the box so I can put things I will donate in the box. Of course, I have dozens of other boxes that can serve that purpose.
I know that some people may think it completely nuts that I cannot just pick this section (or anything else) up. I am not sure that I completely understand it. Even looking at this little 16 square feet section pushes my panic button. Yet, I know I need a measurable plan, no matter how small it may seem to me or to others.
Looking at the photo, I commit to begin today with these simple steps:
- Break down the box and put it in the recycling bin before I put it to the curb tonight.
- Put away the groceries--the ginger ale in the refrigerator; the bananas in the fruit bowl (if I can find it).
- Fold the paper sack, gather the other sacks, and put them away in the kitchen cabinet in the designated space I have for them. (I use them, so I do not have an abundance.)
- Put the glass in the dishwasher.
- Divide and move the toilet tissue to under the sinks in the bathrooms.
- Clear the table by the door, so I have a place for my keys, phone and purse, when I come home.
- Start a load of laundry with that small pile to get something done.
A victory, though smaller...
I also want to share that, though I did not take pictures, I had one laundry basket that I had gathered up with clothes and other things back in January that was sitting on the landing going upstairs. I sorted through the basket, and have several items to donate, because they are too big.
Rather than wait until I have a bigger box, I could put them in the plastic bag (from the picture) and drop them by the donation site today on my way to my medical appointment. It's only six or seven items, but it would be a start.
Because there is so much here, that I have not shared yet, it seems that I will never get through it fast enough for me to make a difference before it's my time to leave this earth, but if only for today, my mantra will be:
Progress over perfection!
Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder
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