Little Things Don't Seem to Matter

It's been several days since I've posted.

Mentally and physically, I've been exhausted. I shut down when that happens, but it doesn't mean that I accomplish anything. I haven't done anything else in the kitchen since my last post, except make a bit of a mess.

I wonder why or how it is that I can leave things without seeing them through to an end? If I trim the fat off of a steak, why are the trimmings still on the cutting mat the next morning?  Why is it so hard for me to pick the mat up and scrape them into the trash?

I am NOT a lazy person. I work hard and get some amazing things done. But there is certainly a disconnect somewhere. I wish I understood it.

On a good note, I emptied all the trash and got the bin out to the curb this week. That's an accomplishment, right?  I wish I could feel like all the little victories do add up and matter.

I even wonder why I care to write this blog. Does it even make a difference? Are there others who are struggling? Or am I simply a disgusting pig that is so damaged that nothing can help?

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Starting to Show Progress in Kitchen

BEFORE--Left of Stove

AFTER--Left of Stove

BEFORE--right of stove

AFTER--right of stove

STOVE--Still need to work on two of the grates

I wanted to show a bit of progress, even though it is slow-going.  As I look at the "before" pictures, I am aghast as to how bad it is. I also have some pictures to share of my cabinets, though I do not have any from before I straightened them.  I'll have to share those at another time.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Free Giveaways to My Readers?

As I go through things, I am beginning to start a box full of things that I am going to release.  I have already taken several boxes of clothing to others to sort through and then find others who might use them, so that I do not have to deal with the dilemma of second-guessing myself and bringing them home.

I also have a box started for things for me to sell. I think I will try to do this via Craigslist or eBay. Many of the things that I have are brand new.  Collectibles, books, craft supplies, gifts, and much more.

I had a thought that I might have drawings each week or day for one item in the box, giving entries to those who leave messages on my blog.  I have a few ideas running through my head, but need to knock some of the details out first to figure out what that may look like.  My biggest concern is how I would afford to ship the items to the winners.  I simply cannot afford to go broke in postage and shipping, 

I would love some feedback to figure out how this might be feasible, and to see if this is something that might be of interest.

I would appreciate any ideas or thoughts on this.  Thank you.


Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Moving Forward Little by Little

I needed to check-in to show that I have finished all the tasks on the original list.

1. Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
2. Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
3. Retrieve the bins from the curb.
4. Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.  (Still have a few things to clear.)
5. Clean and disinfect my microwave.
6. Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
7. Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
8. Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

In addition to this, I have washed and dried two other loads of laundry.  I don't dare to show how much more I have. 

I also rearranged the freezer. Yes, I also have more food in the freezer to cook for a family of four for a month. I can put nothing else in there.  I need to make an inventory and start cooking here at home and taking my lunch.  I eat out far too often and end up throwing away too much food. 

Tonight, I hope to finish clearing the refrigerator, and throwing out anything that is bad. I have already dumped out two unopened half gallons of milk, a quart of coconut water, a half gallon of orange juice, a cantaloupe, and a large clamshell container of mixed salad greens. That I can waste so much, and this only scratches the surface, makes me feel very guilty and ashamed.

The upside to this all is that I am beginning to make some headway on one room, as well as the pile of laundry.  

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Hope for the Hopeless?

It is rather early and I did not sleep last night again. I putzed around in the kitchen for a few hours, still not finishing everything on the list from a few days ago.  

On a side note:  I find it oddly fascinating that in America, we use the phrase "putzing around" in the United States to mean behaving idly, wasting time, and not getting much done.  However, the verb "putzen" (infinitive form) in German means to clean. My friend that helped me for a few hours the other day is from Germany.  

What I did accomplish, however:

• Dropped two suits to the dry cleaners
• Straightened up the pantry and a big storage cupboard
• Reorganized my three cabinets, moving things around to make more sense
• Re-seasoned my cast iron skillet
• Boxed up a set of glassware and a few other kitchen items to donate (or sell at a yard sale)
• Made a half gallon of iced tea
• Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher (on the list) 
• Loaded up more dishes and washed them, and will put away first thing after I get a few hours sleep
• Set the timer on my coffee maker to have my coffee ready at 7:30

So, I did make some progress in the kitchen, though it still isn't where I want it to be.  I may take a picture of it when I get up, though I don't have a before picture.

I also talked to my daughter last night. I've told her about the blog, as I wanted to ask her what she remembered about growing up with me.  I wanted to know if she could shed some light on when things started to get out of hand.  She claimed that what she saw is that it was more the paper organization that seemed to be the issue for me.

I think that the conversation that I had with my friend a day or two before was spot-on. I think the triggering factor for my hoarding to the point it is today was when my daughter left home under much less than ideal circumstances, and the subsequent years of silence and little to no relationship for many years. I went through a major depression, left my marriage, and started seeing a counselor. 

As I was dealing with some issues and getting my life on track, I also started the protective behavior of not allowing people to come over by making sure that I would be too embarrassed to let them in.  I avoided answering phone calls, the door bell, and would always make sure if I got together socially, it was out doing something away from my living space.

I want to get back to having people over. It's going to take me some time before I will be comfortable letting people in again, literally and figuratively, but I will allow my girlfriend to come over and help me, when she can and will stop avoiding her. 

Maybe just admitting these things this past week is a start. Maybe there really is some hope for me.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Photo credits:  Pixabay 

        

Beating Myself Up

I don't need my father to beat me.
I do a good job of it on my own.

I didn't get anything on my list done yesterday.  In fact, when I left home, I did not get back until the wee hours.

It was one of those "avoidance days."  

You know the kind. Ignore it and goes away.

What lies we take on to fool ourselves into thinking we will feel better about ourselves if we come back later!

Instead, I ended up at thrift stores and came home with things that I felt would be cool to have. And then I ended up at the casino.

My life is out-of-control. 

There are so many things that I need to look at and share with others, but I have to compartmentalize.  I can't even share it all here, because I would run the risk of people knowing exactly who I am. I can't let that happen.

This is one reason that I prefer going to work. Work also gets me out, and gives me a way to avoid the rest of it.  I prolong going "home." (I struggle with writing that word because it does not feel much like home.)

When I work, I feel that I have purpose. I am around people. They see the good that I do and how I help others. They see the "put together" me.

If they only knew....

...the "real" me isn't so good after all. 

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Note: As I was looking for a picture to put with the title, which I wrote before starting this.  The picture (from Pixabay, search perimeters "beating") grabbed my attention and I decided to use it. The caption I used took me completely by surprise and was an eye-opener.

Learning to Accept Progress Over Perfection

By the time I went to bed last night, I was so exhausted. I had been up for 41 hours. Thankfully, I slept for eight hours.

If I were to use lists to check off as my sole measurement of success, I would be hard-pressed to see much success yesterday.  Of the eight list items, half were checked off as complete:                  

1. Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
2. Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
3. Retrieve the bins from the curb.
4. Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.  (Still have a few things to clear.)
5. Clean and disinfect my microwave.
6. Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
7. Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
8. Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

There were other things that were begun yesterday.  Ah! That is the problem for me!  

BEGUN...

I subject myself to extreme scrutiny when I see a process that I have started.  I even noticed it with my friend, when she says, "Look at how much we got done!" She sees progress. I still see a mess.

In addition to my list, there were more things that we did, but (to me) it feels like it was partly done, so that it doesn't really count.  So, where does this sense of not being able to claim the small accomplishments?

There were moments that I was fully aware of what I was feeling. It was clear to me that this all-or-nothing view came from my upbringing. I also remembered a couple of other situations that happened that might offer a clue into this hoarding situation.  I will dedicate a whole blog post to that one soon.

Communication and awareness

I also recognized and tried to be clear in my communication, when I was getting the most frustrated and annoyed with my friend.  I am thankful that we had discussed upfront what some of that might look like, and I had asked her to be aware and not react to when she recognized my being overwhelmed in those moments. 

I am grateful that the dynamics were such that we could do that honestly.  There was a time when either of the two of us might have stormed away and not spoken for months in those situations. We both simply stayed present and saw it for what it was in the moment.  Now, THAT is progress!!

So, as I try to recall other things that were accomplished, I will also try to own them.  Here are some other things that my friend and I accomplished yesterday:

• Scrubbed the stove, including the drip pans and the burner grates. It was a task that took up a good portion of the three hours we worked.
• Washed and put away the crockpot that I rarely use. I put it in the corner cabinet with the carousel for easy access.
• Potted two plants and watered all that were dehydrated. Some will need to be thrown in the trash, 
• Swept and mopped the kitchen floor. It will require a deep scrub on my hands-and-knees, as it has not been cleaned but once in the last year and a half.  
• Purchased an organizing rack for my hair care things (dryer, curling iron, hairspray, etc._, which hangs on the inside of the cabinet.

Today's plan

As I have two appointments that will take me away this morning, I am not going to make a list. When I go downstairs in a few minutes, I will do my best to make note of how things look better, rather than what is left to be done. (That feels that it will be the most difficult.)

When I return this afternoon, I am committed to finishing the counters and the floor in the kitchen, and to complete the list I made yesterday.

Today I choose to see progress, however slight it may seem. 

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

I Came Out to My Friend

My secret is now out with one person

I disclosed my secret of hoarding behavior to a friend yesterday.  Over the years, she knew there was a problem, and has helped me before...before it got quite as bad as it has now.  This time I admitted the name for it.

I even shared the address for this blog, should she care to read it. It will be the first time she will read/hear some of the stories I will share on this journey.

We talked of the "whys." It is a way that I can keep people "out." She reminded me that I have let her "in" to the space, when it was messy. She told me that she loved me.

We agreed that she would come over to help me for a few hours today.  Perhaps, if I can just get the bathrooms and the kitchen clean today, it will help me see some sort of progress.

Yesterday's accomplishments

Yesterday, I did get all seven things on the list done.  I did it before I left to run errands and see my friend.

I need to see these things as small victories.  Instead, I have a tendency to minimize what I am getting done.  I also need to take some before and after pictures to celebrate the small victories, but it feels so foolish.  It should not be so difficult to get this done, but it is for me.

I did not sleep last night at all, as I have fretted most of the night.  I did get a couple of things done, but those sleepless nights render me rather unproductive.

In spite of it all, I did accomplish a few other small things yesterday and into the wee hours:

• Gave my friend five tops/sweaters and one purse to keep or give away
• Took out one large bag of trash and one bag of recyclables to the bins
• Put the two bins on the curb
• Washed out both the kitchen trash and recycle containers
• Removed the burner grates and pans, and sprayed my stove with cleaner to soak all the hardened food, which I need to clean today
• Loaded up dishwasher with a first batch of dishes and started the wash cycle
• Scoured my left sink
• Washed a load of towels
• Cleaned the carousel trays and reorganized the small cabinet above the stove
• Washed the roaster pan 

There is so much more to do, that all these things do not look like they have made any dent, at all. But I still have a few days off before I must return to work.

Today's plan...

The things I will put on my list today (in baby steps) to accomplish:

1. Line the trash and recycle containers with plastic bags.
2. Replace the water jug on my dispenser, and take the empty containers to refill.
3. Retrieve the bins from the curb.
4. Clear and clean the counter to the left of my stove.
5. Clean and disinfect my microwave.
6. Put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
7. Dry, fold, and put away the clean towels.
8. Buy a new shower curtain liner to replace the one that is torn.

When my friend gets here, I am sure we will add more things to the list.  I will try to remember to take pictures before it looks better, so I have comparisons.

Panicking a little

Of course, I am beginning to get quite anxious already, and it's not even 7 o'clock.  I'm sure that it doesn't help any that I have had virtually no sleep in the last 22 hours.

I have to remember to be kind to myself, and accept my friend's help and acceptance of me and this situation as it is right now.  Living in the moment is not easy for me all the time.  I have to let go of the "what ifs."

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Photo credit:  Pixabay, free for use.

Overwhelmed, But with a Small Plan

Overwhelmed...

I have felt overwhelmed these last three days with the idea of disclosure and coming back to write (and reread) more. It affects all aspects of my life, and I notice that the more anxiety I feel, the more I am also drawn to other compulsive behaviors--over-eating, gambling, and more--as well as the hoarding behaviors.

Each is merely evidence of what is going on within me. Each is a way to numb out the feelings.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. But on the other hand, I have to feel in order to change. Therein lies the biggest dilemma, perhaps for us all.

A plan, though small...

I have shared one photograph of a small piece of my home.  I am unable, at this point, to share any more of the photos that I took, and they aren't even the worst of it.

My plan for today is to take care of that small 4'x4' section that I shared. I need to remember not to just move it around, but to do something with it.

I suppose the first thing I can do is break down the cardboard box. My tendency is to want to save the box so I can put things I will donate in the box. Of course, I have dozens of other boxes that can serve that purpose.

I know that some people may think it completely nuts that I cannot just pick this section (or anything else) up. I am not sure that I completely understand it. Even looking at  this little 16 square feet section pushes my panic button. Yet, I know I need a measurable plan, no matter how small it may seem to me or to others.

Looking at the photo, I commit to begin today with these simple steps:

1. Break down the box and put it in the recycling bin before I put it to the curb tonight.
2. Put away the groceries--the ginger ale in the refrigerator; the bananas in the fruit bowl (if I can find it).
3. Fold the paper sack, gather the other sacks, and put them away in the kitchen cabinet in the designated space I have for them. (I use them, so I do not have an abundance.)
4. Put the glass in the dishwasher.
5. Divide and move the toilet tissue to under the sinks in the bathrooms.
6. Clear the table by the door, so I have a place for my keys, phone and purse, when I come home.
7. Start a load of laundry with that small pile to get something done.

A victory, though smaller...

I also want to share that, though I did not take pictures, I had one laundry basket that I had gathered up with clothes and other things back in January that was sitting on the landing going upstairs. I sorted through the basket, and have several items to donate, because they are too big. 

Rather than wait until I have a bigger box, I could put them in the plastic bag (from the picture) and drop them by the donation site today on my way to my medical appointment. It's only six or seven items, but it would be a start.

Because there is so much here, that I have not shared yet, it seems that I will never get through it fast enough for me to make a difference before it's my time to leave this earth, but if only for today, my mantra will be:  

Progress over perfection!  

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

Perfect on the Outside and Chaos Within

Trying to wrap my head around the memory and how I felt hearing myself referred to as a pig. Of course, the intellectual part of me knows how to respond, but the emotional part of me feels such shame and guilt, as I am taken back to the days of never being good enough.

That memory came around the time I was about eight or nine years old. It may have been earlier. I know that there were many times where the mountains of clothes, books, papers, crayons and pencils, and much more were what I came home to after school.

It was much more than stuffing my drawers and closets with my things and being a bit scattered by nature. If you walked into my room in those days, it looked nearly perfect. Perfection on the outside, chaos on the inside.

I couldn't have piles of anything on my desk, the bed, the night table. For those of us who, by nature, need to see the big picture, I think this might not be uncommon.  Couple that with a creative, abstract and random mind, it is no wonder that the details and precision of "everything has a place; everything in its place" seems stifling.

But back to the notion of "perfection on the outside, chaos on the inside"...that is exactly what life felt like to me at that age and what I was expected to portray.

My family had an image to uphold. My father had a very public presence, and because he did, so did his family.

My mother did not do well with the publicity coming from this life. She really was much more down-to-earth, trying to fit-in to his narcissistic world rather unsuccessfully.  But she did her best, at first, trying to keep her children and the house in a way that would not be an embarrassment to the family by staining the image that had been presented for the world to see.

Perfect on the outside...

There were very few who knew anything about what was happening on the inside of our family. I suspect it was happening long before I began to see and experience it.

Infidelity, emotional and verbal abuse, alcoholism, and physical beatings were all part of what we saw and experienced in our family. The rule was that we could not talk about it to anyone. 

Airing one's dirty laundry was forbidden.

On the rare occasion that I let anything slip out to a relative, I was labeled as the family troublemaker, problem child, and embarrassment. I was also accused of lying, so that the relatives saw me as such. It protect the adults from being seen as having a problem, or being the problem. I became the family scapegoat.

Chaotic on the inside...

I suppose that my messiness was also a way of getting some sort of attention in those days. What started as a bit of big-picture person and their clutter, began to be the only source of attention I would get as more children were born. It was nothing more than a consolation prize.

Something better than nothing...

Now, decades later, I do not want the attention for this hoarding, which is why I do not have people over to visit. I am ashamed. Just as I felt shame for being who I was as a kid...as a human being.

I don't really want to keep people out of my life or my home, as they are what keep me going. I need people around me. I want people around me.  It's been a long time since I have had guests come to my place.  I used to love to entertain, or have friends over for dinner or a barbecue. I haven't done that in years.

This is the reason I am writing this blog. To let others in to see the struggles in the hope that others will not turn away.  I'm not even sure if there are people who are reading what I have to share, or if they are struggling with similar things. I hope that some will share their comments and situations.

This cannot be only me that struggles.  I cannot believe that this is isolated to just my part of the world.

On the outside, no one knows. 

But I live with the chaos, which has become a way to keep people out. It has not been like that for my entire adult life, but it has for quite some time. I let them see someone who they think is all together. I do this emotionally, as well. What people see on the outside is self-assuredness.  My living space is merely a reflection of what goes on inside of me.

Perhaps, that is what I need to explore in my next post.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

The Shame of Being Nothing But a Pig

Looking back over more than five decades of life, it's hard to pinpoint when I became a hoarder.
There were some signs that might have suggested that I was not ever going to be particularly organized.

I recall several occasions where I came home from school and every bit of clothing from my chest of drawers, all of the contents of my desk, and my closets were dumped out into the middle of the room in a big pile. It was my job to organize it and put it back.  I was hard-pressed to do so. Organizational systems just did not make much sense, as much as I tried.

Even as I write this, looking back on how angry my mother was, and how bad I was for being "such a pig," I am choking back the tears. I feel shame. It is a feeling that is not foreign to me.

This is not what I expected to feel so soon beginning to write.  My intent was to share more tonight, but I am feeling overwhelmed at this moment.

I even took several photos to share, but I will only share one tonight of walking in the front door.  It may not seem bad, but if you were to ask me how long most of it has been there, I would have to tell you the truth--four months. And this is the best of it.

This disclosure is going to be harder than I thought it might be.  I had not thought about that situation from 50 years ago and it took me off-guard.

I'm sorry, but I have to take some baby steps here. I will try again soon.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder

I Am a Hoarder, There I Have Said It

Hiding from the shame. 

I am a hoarder. 

I am ashamed. No one knows it. Some may suspect it. Most would be shocked.

That has been my life. Keeping secrets. For me to share my struggle with this, I have to keep it secret. No one would believe me anyway.

I am not yet prepared to share my story with the world, and disclose my identity while doing it. I suppose that is also part of the problem, and keeping my dirty little secret hidden from the rest of the world that knows me.  But it is how it must be.

Many have seen the television show, "The Hoarders," and find these people disgusting, lazy, and generally bad people. I have compassion for them, though I do find that some of them are much more extreme than I am.

But as been attributed to English Reformer and martyr, John Bradford, "There but for the grace of God go I."

At some point, these same people featured on the television show started out just like I have. I hesitate to label myself or anyone else, as I do not yet know enough about the condition for me to speak on it.

That is my goal with this blog. I need to learn more. I need to love myself more. I need to share more.
It is in sharing that we begin to heal.

I know that I am not alone.

And so begins my journey of allowing myself the opportunity to disclose in a way that feels safe to me. I hope that others who have gone before me will come forward and share their stories of struggle and triumph with me.

For those, who live in fear of being discovered and being shamed, I hope you will follow my journey and feel strong enough to share your own.

So, now I have said it. The rest will come in time.

Copyright ©2015 The Anonymous Hoarder